Cosmo here. Master has been home all week, and I don’t understand why. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve enjoyed having him home so I can come and go into our home as I please. He continues giving me loves and food, which I require all the time. I’ve discovered, though tasty, mice aren’t very filling, and it takes a lot of work out for me to eat one measly little rodent that’s amazingly fast.
I’ve forgotten about the girl that had me. She was nice and pretty for a human, but she didn’t seem to want me anymore. Master here, I guess the other humans call him Jerry, he has bent over backward to obey my every whim. He even cleans my litter box every time I use it. She never did that for me. Then that human boyfriend of hers always complained I smelled. I’m a cat, we don’t smell!
So now he’s home clacking away on his thing called a keyboard appearing busy. I’m lying on the couch. My eyes are closed but I hear everything. Even that bird’s preening I can hear that too.
“Talking to me?” She asks me. Of course humans aren’t trained to hear our thoughts like other animals can. It’s one of their weaknesses of having an unusually large brain.
I opened my eyes and watched her. Master calls her Elsa, among other things. I call her a snack and trouble. She isn’t supposed to be the aggressor, yet she refuses to back down when I’m trying to pounce upon her and have her for dinner. Or breakfast. Or snack between the two. No, she attacks me and gives me that ‘don’t mess with the queen’ expression. “As a matter of fact I’m wondering why master hasn’t gone to that place he calls work.”
“It’s because he is on something called a vacation, dumb ass.”
“Why do you insult me so?”
“Because you are a dumb ass!”
“So, what do we do while he is on this vacation?”
“We let him do whatever he wants. It’s not like he understands what it is we do when he’s not around.”
“Why do you suppose that is?”
“Humans, you got to love them, are just gullible creatures who see a pretty face or cutesy mannerism, like you playing inside a box, and they get enamored with us. They think we are entertaining and for that we get a place to live and eat all we want without worry of being eaten by a predator or starving to death.”
“But, yet they claim to be the superior species,” I pointed out to her.
“No, we animals allow them to believe that. Remember we adopted them, not the other way around.”
“Well, I was tricked into that cage and…”
Because you are a dumb ass,” Elsa countered. She then let out a laugh. That always grates against me, her ability to actually talk like a human, or even laugh like one as she just did. I closed my eyes.
“You can kiss my dumb ass then.”
Jerry Schellhammer 